I have to figure this out, My parents Died…. Time stopped and my memories are frozen, I don’t like where this is going, its like a slip and slide. I cant move, I'm frozen, My brain hurts, my heart hurts and I'm tired.. I wish I could have taken care of her and brought her back. But I thinks both had such a struggle, there is now easy way anymore, I'm listening to Pictures of you. By the cure. Everything reminds me of her. She is everywhere now. I miss her, Damn it…. Life can hurt you like nobodies business.

Date: 10:30:2023

I look at the pictures and videos that I have left over from the past months. All I have left are the painful memories, where I prayed and tried and tried to find a higher calling to help her. I could not fight it. I could not repair her. I could not take away the damage. 

Time is like a giant hole swallowing up everything left behind you in time, Parents, Childhood, Life, Friends, and Finally you yourself. They say “Don’t look back.” My mom cherished everything from the past, I have all these memories, I want them and I wanted to create new ones. But that isn’t possible now. Unless I have a Norman Bates style type of imagination. Which I do. I can imagine what she would say. But I still would like to hear her say it. 10 months of worry and grief and setting by her side. She could watch but she could not say a word. “Shane will fix it.” she would say. 

Dear Mom,

I can’t fix this.

2024 wasn't much easier, I lost my 100 year old grandmother and my best friend of 20 years, Bothe Capricorns. January 6th and January 9.

Also to cap off 2024, My aunt passed on Dec, 14, 2024. her birthday was Dec, 23, She almost made it. But Dad 2022, Mom 2023, and Grandmother, Dave, and my aunt in 2024. 

Im not sure why im still here but i know I did the best I could for them.